As Time Goes On
From a dream I had over a month ago…
**********
You found your way into my dreams last night,
You sought me out to say everything turned out right
Because you’d found your girl with water blue eyes
You’re so glad you left so you could find new delight
~~~
But it’s alright
I’m alright
Because I’m in a hand
That has a stronger hold on me than you ever can
And with or without you by my side
I’m headed to the Promised land.
~~~
The moon was incredible tonight
And it’s not me you longed for at the sight
It’s no longer my beauty you say outshines its light
But I trust in God, it will turn out right
~~~
It is God that has got a hold on me
Not my past, or what could come to be
I’m defined by His love this time
I love and miss you, and I might cry
But I’ve found freedom here on the other side
woo! dibor
today i saw joseph g. joe g, that guy was awesome, and is in china for jesus. jesus loves joe g. and jesus loves me, in agape love way. hooray for agape i hope joe g keeps us posted.
33 live had God in it. jenny leaded worships for awhile. joe is still in china for a year being a good human for jesus. joe cook is cool too. joe g and joe c
by a fellow diborian student, my dear brother Ethan!
Lovely
A new thought on Psalm 84. (A sonnet!)
I’ve heard your songs, your words, your sayings too
You look toward Me and speak them to My face.
It’s in the Bible so you know its true,
Oh Lord, how lovely is Your dwelling place.
And yet I see you walking through your day,
Your head is hanging and your heart is blue.
You cannot see the beauty you display,
But don’t you know I dwell inside of you?
Don’t make yourselves into a lying crew.
The temple is no longer just a place
I’ve made for you a covenant that’s new,
I’ve chosen you to bear my fullest grace
So now believe the words you’ve said to me,
The place I dwell has loveliness to see.
For the Guy Sitting a Table Over…
I know that similar words have been written before. But something is twisting inside of me. Forgive me if it is cliche, but it is how I feel right now. Sometimes I despise myself for not moving…
You broke my heart today,
And I don’t even know your name,
But because of you my spirit is shaken
And my whole night is changed.
I want to know your story.
How did you become this way?
I want so badly to know you,
But I just sit and pray.
You could be my own brother,
You kind of look the same
I cannot look too deeply
But in your eyes there is a gentle pain.
You’re sitting not too far away
With two young ones, playing a game.
They look nothing like you,
And yet you are their covering.
There is something thick around you three,
Something that I cannot find words to say.
Are you broken, defeated, searching, or at peace?
You are deep, that you cannot betray.
You look like you could be rough.
You’re misunderstood, do you want it that way?
How did you get here? What is your heart?
I know that it is good some how, some way.
Gentleness is pouring from all that you are.
Who are these children, what is your name?
When will God’s heart move to my feet?
If He spoke to you now, what would He say?
Before this moment I have never seen your face,
But I know that it won’t leave me without a fight
Because though you have moved on out of my sight
You will be haunting me the rest of the night.
When The Day Is Done…
The winter is colder here in the ice-covered east
And I’m feeling the need for something to melt in to
The colorful leaves are all falling from the trees
Just like these deep and lonely thoughts waiting to be released
But I know that nothing on earth will change these things inside
No hand, no voice, no face
My heart is caught in things of the material kind
But something else in my soul and spirit cries…
Whether this is a lovesick desire
Or simply a need that burns like fire
I want You more
Your, Your love is worth fighting for
God, Your love, its worth fighting for
Burn…
10/09/09
From Burn Weekend…locked in a church praying and fasting for 36 hours. Woot. Not very flowy or rhymy…but it works. Just thoughts…
My heart is at rest
My soul is a chalice
Bejeweled and shining
Alone and strong
It’s overflowing
With a sweet flow
It’s warm
It’s red
It’s staining my clothes
It’s flowing from Your heart
It’s flowing from Your side
And I am clean
I am free
From God
Can’t you see that I set out on the broken road for you? I knew it would lead Me to you, and that is why I set out. I knew it was broken, but I knew that you were at the end. Nothing could stop me. Do you have your white dress on? I want to meet with you there.
I see you there, in the white dress. You’re shining at the end of this tree-lined road. You are so beautiful standing there. Sweet, waiting for me. My heart stirs within me. For you, I want you. All of you. Do not give me half a bride. There is no shame. I don’t care what you’re bad at. You don’t have to be embarrassed with me. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be happy. That’s who I planned you to be.
We’re not going to trash the dress this time. Don’t you dare go wading in the Sea of Forgetfulness. Leave it behind so that we can have joy on our wedding night, and through our eternal life as one. Remember it no more. Your pure white dress will remain so; unstained by the Sea’s waters. No, not even a little bit on the hem. It doesn’t have to be that way. You are so unused to freedom, you don’t realize that it can be so complete, so clean. There is no stain, you can’t mess this one up. Let’s dance. Pure white dress. Not even a little bit. It’s gone. Let me see joy in your face. Glowing for me. It can be one of those moments. Glow. Smile. Throw your head back and laugh. I’m so in love with you. Be yourself. Be confident. Let me lead this dance. Follow my steps. I have redeemed it. Its mine. I’m coming for you. I see you at the end of the broken road.
Three
I’m so eloquent when words are abundant
But it is the small things that break me down
Three years ago I said three words
And it took all of me
I gave all of me
It began so many things
I’m afraid to see the end
That day I declared it,
Finally found the simple words to say
I love you
I’m so eloquent when words are abundant
But it is the small things that break me down
Three years later I’m saying three words
It’s taking longer
I’m fighting harder
There’s nothing left here
Am I seeing the end?
I didn’t want this to end…
Today I declared it,
Finally found the simple words to say
I forgive you
Every Little Thing Part 2
Okay, so now get this. Believe it or not, this is probably the part that moved me deeper. It will sound ridiculous when you read it, but it’s true. I almost cried.
Pastor Christopher talked to us about gratitude after watching the Passion. About how basically we are all so blessed that we have lost that deep thankfulness. And he connected it to the fact that we have lost hold of the impact of the first blessing…Christ’s sacrifice. Because all other blessings just add to that, because without it we wouldn’t live to enjoy them! OUCH!
So I prayed to be more grateful…just a little prayer. In fact, now that I think of it…this has been moving in me even before these events, because a few days ago I wrote a blog about a sacrifice of Thanksgiving. Wanting to remember how to be thankful.
So, simple prayer…
Today, I was at Sprint. My phone got all messed up, so they sent me a new one. However, I needed all my numbers transfered because I couldn’t see them on the screen, and I was going to lose them all…some of people I need to stay in contact with to hopefully minister to!
Bummer! The employee needed a clear screen to be able to enable a certain function for it to work! Nooo! But he said he’d try it one more time…he pushed a few buttons and then took a phone call. I sat there staring at a TV screen, and I began to pray.
God, if you let this work, I will text that one athiest friend. God…yesterday you told me of your great love for me. Prove it. Here is a great opportunity to show it. If You love me, show me now…let this transfer work…
OH SNAP! I’m a jerk! Horrible prayer, I’m sorry God! Oh no I can’t believe I just said that to you. Stupid stupid stupid! Ok, be ready…it won’t work, and I won’t be disappointed or think He doesn’t love me because of it!
Spacing…waiting…la la la….
BING! Transfer complete!
WHAAATT?
Isn’t He sweet?! I totally didn’t deserve that one! How He takes care of the little details and knows the desires of our hearts…even when we’re little turds!
As if that wasn’t enough…this is the one that really got me!
I didn’t really have time for dinner. So basically over a few hours my poor roomate had to listen to me going on and on about how badly I was craving french fries from McDonalds…and how we should walk there…and WOE IS ME there aren’t any within walking distance. And I just want french fries….waaa waaaa waaa. When I get a craving I get it strong. So, in much defeat…we walked to Starbucks instead and I drowned my sorrows in a donut and coffee. By the time I got back to the church for the worship conference, I had pretty much forgotten about it.
Lo and behold! Someone in the technical room is hanging out of the window into the sanctuary, calling my name! I’ve never seen this guy before! I run over and say “yes.” And of course, what does He do? Bust out a huge carton of McDonald’s fries and ask if I want them! I mean, obviously that is a normal occurence, right? We’re not even supposed to have food in the sanctuary! So he hands them to me and tells me to go enjoy them in the lobby. Okay, seriously…WHAT?! And its not even one of those lame little paper ones that I probably would have bought for myself. Seriously, that thing was big! And I’m convinced they taste better out of the red cartons. They were warm and crispy and just the right salty!! AAAAAH! WHAT?! HOW HE STINKING LOVES!
During worship (I was at a worship conference) we were singing about His glories in nature…all these powerful amazing things. I sang about them, and yes enjoyed it. But then my big moment happened. I thought about french fries, and tears sprang to my eyes. It’s the little things. The little ways He loves. The little ways He listens. It’s like He delights in doing the little things that make us happy, like a lovesick boy who loves to plan a surprise for his love. Cute! Yes…I think I just called God cute. But seriously…mmmm. I feel grateful. God please keep it, I want to be grateful even in the little things, because it is just an extension of the big thing.
Thank you God. I love french fries…and I love You. Help me love You more, because You are so worth it.
Every Little Thing Part 1
I must share some of the wonderful things God has been doing and speaking and lavishing on me! I am at a Discipleship School called Dibor. I’ve been here three days and already God is shaking everything that can be shaken until only He remains…and oh, how lovely is this One Thing that remains! How He loves! (You should check out the school at Dibor.org!!)
We started the first day by watching the Passion of the Christ. Before I explain my thought process (that was hopefully God) let me preface it by explaining a seemingly insignificant event in the morning. I was doing my makeup in my dorm room, and a staff member had her music going next door. It did that thing where it drives you crazy because it is just quiet enough that you can’t tell exactly what song it is, so you go nuts thinking its one, then another… Praise the Lord for that driving me nuts, or I wouldn’t have focused on it so much. I finally decided it was a Misty Edwards song, in which we sing to Him “Your love makes it worth it!” Wonderful! It kind of stuck itself in me.
So we’re watching the Passion. It hit me probably harder than it ever has. I did what I always do, only magnified. With tears streaming down my face, I almost got mad at Jesus. As He was being stripped of His flesh for me…my mind screamed at Him “JUST STOP! STOP IT! JUST LET ME DIE! IT’S NOT WORTH IT! I’M NOT WORTH IT!”
I know He thinks me worth it. But still I cried it out. Stop it. I’m not worth it. Cause really…I’m not.
The song runs through my head. Your love makes it worth it. Yes God, I thought, though I’m afraid of what may come, Your love does make anything worth it. The right response, right? But then, I had a thought that I pray was the word of God.
Turn it around. YOUR love makes it worth it. Jesus saying it to me as He bleeds and screams and hurts beyond comprehension.
SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH THE LOVE OF GOD!!
